First year player Balmey gets a gig as player of the week.
No.:
43 – Kouta-fighter-fidies
Position:
Half Back/Wing/Half Forward – so basically a hole plugger (Brazz is still scared I want to play Full Forward)
Nickname(s):
Balmey, Booma, Wilson, Settler, Superstar (apparently Cocky started that one), Lesbian, Slideshow.
Occupation:
Law Student/Liquor Store Stud at First Choice
AFL Team:
Geelong…. always have been, always will be… Favourite player is Corey Enright/Joel Selwood/Jimmy Bartel/Steve Johnson/Andrew Mackie/they’re all too delicious to separate.
Current Supercoach Ranking:
I’m a Dream Team man and I’m ranked somewhere round 10,000th, but I’ll find a way to work my way into form come September… Brendan Goddard, you maggot.
Best value for money Supercoach player in your side?
Dyson Heppell has given me plenty, Ed Curnow did it for me until he popped his shoulder. It would be nice to see Nick Riewoldt pull his finger out, he’s given me nothing.
What Club are you coming from?
The Old Xaverians after leaving school in 2008. A young Michael Henderson was once my assistant coach in the under 19s, we bonded over our mutual love/hate relationship with the coach. We miss ya Mitch!
Memory of first Kew FC game?
It was the first game of 2011 and the winds of change were in the air. Kasey was talking some sort of foreign language and Scotty Morrison set the skies alight with a humble prayer to the big dogs in the clouds. The Kew boys were ready to fire but we got absolutely smashed and I got a nice smack in the mouth for my trouble (too hard at the pill was Matty Jack’s comment if I correctly recall)
Have you ever been sent off in a game?
Who? Me? Well, I have been known to fly the flag but only when someone pays out my haircut.
If you could invite any five people, living or dead, to dinner who would they be?
Brazz, Allman, Dan Perry, Kasey and Barry the barman. Or alternatively if I wanted to avoid the potential awkwardness of Kasey and Barry arguing over William Shakespeare’s finest piece of literature… Ricky Gervais, Larry David, both for some wildly entertaining banter, JFK for some political discussion… and analysis of the women he bedded throughout his career, Jimmy Barnes for an Australian feel to the night and Lea Michele from Glee for a bit of after dinner karaoke and a light hearted bedroom session, possibly with me involved – yeah I know, that wouldn’t surprise anyone.
You have gone for Melbourne, Collingwood and now Geelong, who don’t you have a soft spot for?
Being a South Australian, there’s little doubt that Port Adelaide are scum. And Carlton are the biggest load of cheats in the competition. I have been told I have no soul but I prefer to see myself as a lover, not a hater.
Can you please confirm the price of your latest haircut and why you are trying to bring the bowl/undercut back into fashion?
42 dollars. My hair is an enigma and occasionally it calls for overpriced, shitty designs like the one I currentIy carry around. I also feel the footy field is a great place to spark a modelling career, just ask Leedsy and Twenty.
You live at home and you went to a private school, so, does your mum still pack your lunch?
I owned a lunch box that had the sticker Balmey’s Army on the front of it until I finished ‘private’ school. And yes, Carmel did pack my lunch and has been known to drop some dins into work when I’m hungry. No wonder I have so many mates.
Is your younger sister more likely to pursuit a successful sporting career rather than yourself?
I’m still a shot for Father-son at Richmond so don’t write off the big fella quite yet… but yes, she’s reasonably talented… unfortunately she’s too busy breaking hearts (Allman, hands off you big watermelon head) to care enough. I’m definitely the best actor/singer/dancer (Triple threat) in the family though.
Allegedly, you have had a fine history with the ladies, can you please elaborate and make specific reference to your mates younger cousin?
It’s been an illustrious career but one that has left me hollow and unaffected by life’s pleasures. I wait on the day that a classy, beautiful woman picks me up from the doldrums and mends this broken heart… But seriously, unfortunately the younger cousin thing didn’t work out and neither did the older sister thing, or the girl dibbsed by my best mate, or the ‘girl’ from my former workplace that my Mother didn’t approve of… It’s been an interesting run. I’ve been warned by Beeze to stay away from the physios, sorry ladies.
You have been adjudged to be the most likely to receive some love from the ladyboy’s in Thailand, does that excite you?
As Timmy Allman always says, if it looks like a penis, it probably is one… I don’t know why he says that but I presume he means that men make perfectly good women once you get through 15-20 beers. However, after Jefferz’ recent efforts at a Toorak nightclub, he might be a little more excited about the exotic selection of ‘women’ than me.
What did you do last Saturday night?
Most of the club would note that I was pretty off chops at Junefest before I left for a 21st. Things got messier after that and as per usual ended up shirtless on the dance floor. Apologies to Cocky for catching me unaware during Balme mirror time, I owe you a froth.
CLICK HERE for Balmey’s stats for the year.
